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A late night Greyhound drinking session with Scoop Scarpenter last week (well, past 9pm) and the GREAT man tells me that he has a deadline of 9am for the following morning for the esteemed Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle.

I went round to the other side of the bar to buy Scoop a lager shandy, and whaddya know - faster than a hand delivered hyperlocal (ish) news publication is delivered single handedly door-to-door around the town, yer man was back bashing away at his typewriter.

And so no surprises that with the 9am deadline delivered, so is the August edition of the organ of truth and justice. I bet the lager shandy is still standing at the bar back at The Greyhound.

Having bemoaned the Brightlingsea element of the Brotherhood in previous blog posts, it gives me great pleasure to see that Wivenhoe has something of a monopoly in the latest print run.

I like to view the relationship as one in which the never the twain live in glorious isolation, joined together at the hip in the form of a hyperlocal newspaper. If Scoop were ever to scarper, then the North Essex estuary Special Relationship would be as fractured as Scoop’s right elbow after bashing out his latest copy deadline.

Four front page stories, three with a Wivenhoe angle.

First up:

Former Councillor Campaigns for a Village Green.

“A former Wivenhoe Town Councillor is leading a campaign to gain village green status for public open space in Bowes Road. The land, which covers approximately one acre and is opposite Millfields School, became the centre of controversy last year when it was discovered that Elmstead Parish Council, who own the land, planned to sell if for development.”

Greedy developers, rival councils, village maidens carrying pints of warm beer (steady) - you could almost pen a concept album around the theme.

“Now Essex County Council, who have the power to grant the land village green status, are asking for the views of local residents.”

A HUGE hurrah for former Cllr Cyril Liddy, who has been continuing his fine civic service away from the cut and the thrust of the council chamber, and is actively campaigning to grant village green status for the land opposite Millfields.

“It should be protected from development, and people have until 2nd September to make their views known to Essex County Council.”

The good (ex) Cllr has more details over here.

A glance to the right of the front page lead and we have:

Preparing for the Big Jubilee Celebrations.

Aren’t we all, Comrades, aren’t we all…

“Preparations for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee local celebrations recently started in Wivenhoe when the town council hosted a meeting of interested volunteers.

A draft programme of events has been assembled… These celebrations are expected to include street parties on 2nd June, with a ball in the evening at the William Loveless Hall [where else] a special church service on the Sunday and party in the King George V Playing Field on the Monday.”

With May Fair falling the previous weekend, I’m abstaining from cheap cider and cream scones already.

“It is hoped that the party in the park will involve all age groups and will include entertainment such as a teddy bears’ picnic, a children’s pageant and a sports day with races. Other proposals include live music from a band, with the whole event ending with a fireworks display.”

Volunteers, as ever, are required. Contact the fine Town Clerk on 822864.

And to complete the BACK OF THE NET hat trick of Wivenhoe front page leads, save the best for last with:

Fund Raising Event for Radio Wivenhoe.

Keep it brief, Jase with the fabled 5 W’s:

WHO: Radio Wivenhoe.

WHAT: um a fundraiser.

WHERE: The Greyhound - hurrah!

WHY: ‘cos hyperlocal community broadcasting is a medium that is far superior to the banal big boys on oh so many levels.

WHEN: 3rd September, 12 noon onwards.

Sorted.

And that really should be yer lot from The Chronicle for this month, with every Wivenhoe angle covered on the front page. Has the whole of Brightlingsea buggered off on holiday or something?

But nope - wait, what’s this? Editorial independence, ‘n all that, but the GREAT MAN Scoop seems to favour our part of the estuary divide with yet further wanderings and word counts all about Wivenhoe.

Blimey.

Martin Newell’s Cabaret at The Greyhound.

Not wanting to suggest that the Wivenhoe social scene evolves around Mr Mule and The Greyhound, but…

“Martin Newell, the writer and musician currently describing himself as Wivenhoe’s leading light entertainer [ACE] will be doing another Saturday afternoon cabaret-style [and then some...] performance in the Upstairs restaurant of the Greyhound pub.

Newell, whose usual stock in trade includes poems, songs, rapid-fire stories and highly-risqué jokes [mouth like a sewer, Scoop, but splendid all the same] will be dedicating one part of his act to look at Colchester’s much maligned Hythe area.”

And hurrah for that.

Anyone who caught Sir Nartin’s Upstairs event at the start of the summer will recognise the randomness and radiance from Wivenhoe’s finest. Cakes - oh yes - comes your way once again from the scrumptious Well Bread local Wivenhoe cake emporium.

W*5 etc: Sir Nartin, filth and fun, Greyhound, pleasure, 20th August, 3pm. £4 on the door.

But it’s not all about the poetry and fine pastries. I’m a firm believer that you can pace the heartbeat of a town (blimey) by the success of its sporting teams.

Hang on…

Success for Tennis Club.

We’re not talking about Brightlingsea, either:

“Wivenhoe Town Tennis Club has gone from strength to strength this summer, enjoying a very successful season. With some matches still to be played, the men’s team has secured promotion from the 2nd to the 1st Division of the Colchester and District League, while the ladies’ team has secured promotion from the 3rd to the 2nd Division.”

Golden days up at Broad Lane it seems. Make the most of those memories.

Wivenhoe Memories Exhibition.

Seamless, Jase. Seamless.

“Local maritime history will be strongly featured at the forthcoming Wivenhoe Memories Exhibition to be held later this month. Maritime history covered will date back to the late 1500′s, and there will also be a display of model boats of the Seaplane and Wivenhoe Flyer.

Also on display will be numerous old photographs of local families, plus census reports dating back to 1841. Once again this annual event will be organised by local resident John Stewart, and it will be held at the William Loveless Hall [where else] over the August Bank Holiday weekend.”

The Bakehouse gets a charming piece of advertorial on page 8. Not exactly a filler, but worthy praise for a local restaurant I continually hear great things about of late. The three-course meal for £15 is something of a filler - and a bargain.

Across the road and:

Great Entertainment at Wivenhoe’s Church Ale Festival.

There’s a tale to be told about the crack PR team that managed to position this piece of wondrous copy in The Chronicle for this month. But I think you’d probably want to hear about the Wivenhoe Church Ale instead:

“Programmes for September’s two day medieval extravaganza - The Wivenhoe Church Ale - will soon be on sale. The family friendly festival is raising money for the maintenance of St Mary’s.”

It is also packing quite a punch in coming up with a hugely ambitious schedule for the weekend of 17th and 18th September.

More over on the ACE website. Much more over on Wiv Chat with the fine Marika.

And finally…

Folk Club - no edition of the esteemed organ of truth and justice would be complete without a plug for the pipe blowers [and SO much more...] up at The Flag and their monthly get-togethers:

“A new musical group whose aim is to help to return to the community some of the many folk songs collected by Ralph Vaughan Williams, Potiphar’s Apprentices [ACE name alert] will be the guest artistes at Wivenhoe Folk Club on 1st September.”

Ya see - I never did doubt Scoop could come up with his Wivenhoe leads with less than twelve hours to go and a slightly giddy tired and emotional outlook to the evening back in The Greyhound.

See you next month. Or next week. Or maybe even tonight.

Your round.

Prior to my most recent Wiv Chat recording, Peter Hill and I had yet to cross paths. I had heard, and read plenty about this popular local figure, but somehow our Wivenhoe wanders had taken a different way.

Or possibly a different pub.

Time to put this right I though. With twenty-five years unpaid civic service on Wivenhoe Town Council, an interest in supporting young folk and a passion for online publishing - I just knew that Peter and I would find some common ground.

Peter likes to talk of how he has now taken a step back from local activity, after an unbroken quarter of a century serving as a Town Councillor. It sounds more like a life sentence than civic service.

But as we explored various ideas within the chat, it soon became clear that Peter is just as busy now as he was some five, ten or even fifteen years ago. I wanted to find out the motivation for this - Peter put it perfectly early on in the conversation when he stated:

“People change when they come to Wivenhoe.”

Quite.

I don’t think he meant in a metaphysical bodily transformation (but then again…) - more like you have to be something of a social hermit to not want to participate and experience the many levels of activities that Wivenhoe life has to offer.

Our dialogue starts in 1972 with Peter and his wife Bonnie moving to the town from Southend. Searching to find a social scene, Peter immediately started helping out with the Wivenhoe Scouts and Guides movement - a connection that still remains in place today.

This led to further connections, a formal introduction to Wivenhoe Town Council, an active part in promoting the Wivenhoe Carnival and perhaps Peter’s finest hyperlocal achievement, the setting up of the Wivenhoe Encyclopaedia.

“It’s all about meeting new and different people…”

Which is something that I am finding out for myself.

Having undergone some superb Radio Wivenhoe training the previous Saturday, this was my first attempt at taking up the advice of being more direct.

“You need a structure - you need to nag away and ask those tricky questions.”

Um, yeah, www-welll, tell me about blah blah blah…

I did ask Peter about the mystery Mr X, and the promise to pump £1m into the Broad Lane Trust, something that Peter was instrumental in establishing. I also approached head on the incredibly delicate issue of the St John’s Ambulance building and the rival community bid to Pru Green’s private planning application.

The famous phrase of “Wivenhoe is full” also cropped up - which I believe the origins can be traced back to Tom Roberts?

And then just as I was prepared to put on my serious Paxman persona - whaddya know: @murphie_kitten did a whoopsie.

Whoops.

We picked up the pieces (but not the litter tray) and tried to compose for the conclusion of the conversation. The bells of St Mary’s can be heard towards the end - a fitting finale to end an interview with a fella who has fought for Wivenhoe in the past, and continues to do so, even after officially taking a step aside.

To the Town Council Offices on Tuesday evening for the NEW quarterly Wivenhoe Neighborhood Action Panel meeting. We may have scaled back the every other month scheduling, but boy - the NEW NAP certainly knows how to pack a few punches.

It wasn’t quite on the same scale of law and order issues around the capital of late, but the situation was tense, not to mention a little comical at times.

With a backlog of issues having built up, I wouldn’t say that it got personal, but OUCH: tense! Tense!! TENSE!!!!

It made the recent Wivenhoe Town Council grudge cricket match against the town team seem like a gentile afternoon of underarm bowling. I fought the law, and the law won.

Not really.

I sat at the back of the chamber, sharing a table with the good Chair of Wiv Soc and scribbled down the volatile agenda that one would expect from issues such as Considerate Parking and Speedwatch, before being politely asked to leave at the end as a “sensitive” issue was about to be discussed.

I hope they weren’t about to talk about the size of my prize courgettes.

But first of all, a disclaimer: this blog post is brought to you in association with the good folk of Essex Police. Not in a brown envelope sort of way, but a black biro endorsement all the same.

Tell It Like It Is, etc - it’s probably best to bring along your writing pen as well.

Whoops.

With a scribe in my hand care of the charming PSCO Louise Neville, I was glad that I didn’t have to revert to memory when recalling the conversation that came out of the first agenda item: Parking.

Oh Lordy.

Park Road still seems to be a problem. Disclaimer: close to home, blah blah blah, but as a non-car owner, I don’t really see what the problem is. Which isn’t really the point of the NAP - we’re all neighbours around here, Comrades.

One man’s Chelsea Tractor mounting the curbside two doors down doesn’t bode well for the sense of community ownership and empowerment on the street where you live. I’m sure m’South London colleagues would agree right now.

Councillor Kraft enquired if it was possible to paint one side of the road with double yellows. The good Chair of Wiv Soc raised the regulation and likely cost. Councillor Ford confirmed that this had been discussed four years ago. Residents were apparently against it.

I was reminded of my first ever NAP appearance, nervously shuffling into the Town Council Offices as the outsider back in those long lost heady days of, um, October 2010.

I was asked about any parking issues concerning my new Park Road patch. I retold the story of being fleeced by the fools at Lambeth Council and having to pay just under £200 for the privilege of parking a removal van outside MY house for one morning only.

Expecting something similar at the other during the Great Escape, contact was made with Colchester Borough Council. I was laughed off the phone when asked if I had to pay to park a van outside MY new home.

Parking in Wivenhoe ‘aint perfect, but I prefer it to what I have experienced elsewhere…

Tensions rose slightly when the good @SgtLouMiddleton was asked about the flyers to promote considerate parking that were pledged at the last NAP meeting. These have been attached to any cars around the town that aren’t parked in a considerate way, but not leafleted through the letterboxes.

It wasn’t quite a Croydon situation developing, but the long arm of the law very politely agreed to make residents more aware of what is expected parking wise.

Ah yes - considerate parking…

The above shouldn’t be capped up, but the below most certainly should.

Confused? Join the club.

The flyers, I believe, are to promote considerate parking - a linguistic term rather than a letter of the law. Considerate Parking however is a paid for initiative that has legal implications.

Wivenhoe has the former, but not the latter; Brightlingsea has both.

Blimey.

A question was asked of the panel as to why Brightlingsea manages to get funding for Considerate Parking, whereas Wivenhoe doesn’t. The political food chain of Town Councils, Borough Councils and County Councils all lead to the same paper chase of the big boys and girls controlling power (and the purse strings) over in Chelmsford.

Further complicating matters is that the local policing team in Wivenhoe can’t give their full support to Considerate Parking, but they are happy to support considerate parking.

Phew.

A Facebook group should be started with the relationship status of: It’s complicated.

Hey hoe.

Here’s something far more positive: Yoof matters within Wivenhoe. I have blogged before about how bloody brilliant the Youth Hub is. It’s not so much the facilities themselves down at the Philip Road Centre, but the sense of community and support from members and volunteers alike.

But that’s all down at the bottom end of the town - what of the top, I hear you ask?

Well…

Wivenhoe Town Council is proposing to develop Henrietta Close. Councillor Cory of the Cross ward is heavily involved and has been adding considerable support. Which is just as well, seeing as though Colchester Borough Council seems to be the only remaining stumbling block in allowing what facilities to be sanctioned.

A re-launch date is being planned for later in the month, coupled in with the putting in place of BRA. Stop sniggering - we’re talking about the resurrection of the Broomfield Resident’s Association.

The project has the expertise backing of the Hub. If the passion can be transferred from the Phillip Road Centre up to Henrietta Close, then the scheme will be an undoubted success.

With the NAP agenda speeding like a lycra clad lout along the Wivenhoe Trail (steady) - whaddya know and it’s only Wivenhoe Speedwatch.

@SgtLouMiddleton very helpfully informed the NAP that this has now been rolled out along Elmstead Road. Essentially the volunteer led scheme involves residents being trained up to use equipment to catch out speeding motorists.

It is not a snooping scheme - all volunteers wear high res jackets and the aim is to prevent, rather than to persecute motorists.

Considerable concern came from the Chair of the NAP, who enquired as to why Speedwatch isn’t quite so speedy in being rolled out around other parts of the town.

Risk assessments are involved, and being purely volunteer led, Speedwatch is always going to rely upon the goodwill and free time of those kindly stepping forward.

It’s got legs, this Big Society lark I tell ya…

I wasn’t sure who was quizzing whom, with some NAP members unhappy about the neglect of other parts of the town.

Tense! TENSE! TENSE!!!!

Oh Lordy.

Councillor Julie Young asked how often Speedwatch is currently put in place - on five occasions over the past three months apparently. The Chair asked where are the other proposed routes? @SgtLouMiddleton wasn’t prepared to volunteer this information.

It was a good point, and one well made. Why would you want to advertise where the Speedwatch scheme is about to be introduced? Accusations were made that closed information was being held back by the police.

Hardly.

@SgtLouMiddleton couldn’t have been more open in recent months in keeping residents informed about his work online. There is a sense however that Speedwatch is possibly slipping off the local agenda.

We then got bogged down slightly in the public nature of the meeting. The bored blogger sitting at the back started to chew on his Essex Police sponsored pen.

A resolution of sorts came when @SgtLouMiddlton agreed to inform the next NAP of which roads have been Speedwatched since the previous meetings, and how may vehicles have been found to be breaking the speed limit.

It was also agreed to publish this data online. ALL online sharing of information has to be a good thing. But not necessarily when it comes to NAP matters.

The bored biro chewing blogger was then politely asked to leave the open meeting, as a sensitive issue was about to be discussed.

Tense! TENSE! TENSE!!!!

And that was just me handing back my pen to PSCO Neville.

Until next time…

Aye aye, captain - it’s probably not sea worthy and yes, the deck is in need of a good scrub, but there is a strange and foul estuary air snobbishness to the sign that has recently appeared on the once proud timber of the unknown boat moored up outside the Rose and Crown.

With no headed paper, contact details or any sign of officialdom, the full text reads:

Which is basically saying pull up anchor and bugger off, Captain Pugwash. And probably to Brightlingsea where they might appreciate a sense of aquatic history more so than little Wivenhoe.

Comment is free, facts are sacred, ‘n all that. I confess to knowing nothing about Quayside moorings. Who regulates these? How does one apply for them? Is there some strict seaworthy and aesthetic code that has to be observed?

If you’ve got barnacles on the starboard, then yer not docking, mate.

It could be of course a perfectly explainable situation of an abandoned boat that simply needs the owner to put up or shut. Those Quayside moorings don’t come for free, y’know.

But if it’s the case of the aquatic long arm of the law not taking a liking to the rough round the edges (and the rest) floating figure of fun, then what do they want? A Henley comes to Wivenhoe invasion by the Romford Navy?

Like I said - facts are sacred, Comrades, and I stand to be corrected.

For the record, I rather like the character of the boat. Much like Neil’s splendid Boat for his Pot Plants, it certainly adds some local character to what could easily become an identikit Quay.

The prestigious mooring that the unwelcome boat currently occupies would make for a great public space. With a bit of local love, it could be restored as perhaps a social space such as a Quayside cafe or meeting place.

We’ve been here before of course with the poor old Cap Pilar - blown up, burnt and eventually buried in the dry dock by West Quay.

As an aside, I had an interesting chat with a Wivenhoe Town Councillor last week about the legality and ownership of the public space down by the Quay. Sitting outside the Rose and Crown and getting tired and emotional during the fag end of summer is of course a Wivenhoe rites of passage.

It is also something of a squatting situation - the Rose and Crown doesn’t actually own the land where it puts the tables. It is a public space apparently, as my good Cllr friend informed me.

You try eating your own food down there.

Good luck, Comrades.

And so an arbitrary element does exist when it comes to what is acceptable down by the Quay. Such a shame if a boat is being pushed aside because the port bow isn’t exactly picture postcard friendly.

Facts are sacred, comment is free.

Please correct me.

You know that the Wivenhoe summer has truly arrived when you have to get out the wellies once again for a short stroll along the Trail and a wade up and down in the glorious estuary mud.

Whoops.

Failing that then there’s always that staunch season signifier of a copy of the esteemed Wivenhoe Society Summer Newsletter to tell you that it’s probably about time to start looking forward to the start of the new football season once again.

Any soul searching for the estuary summer is soon forgotten about, with the proud picture of Front of House winner Jill Bailey proudly displaying her certificate in her seasonal - and not at all waterlogged - summer garden.

Congratulations, Madam. I am in awe of the arrangements of your beautifully laid out borders. Thirty-five entrants took part in the competition. All funds raised will be split between Wivenhoe Helping Hands and St Mary’s.

But it’s not all about letting it hang out at the front. The Message from the Chair delivers the good news that both a Minutes Secretary and an Honorary Secretary have both been sourced for the Wivenhoe Society.

Hurrah!

Or rather the two into one role has been very kindly taken on board by Rachel Allen. Here’s hoping the left and right hand can both meet in the middle.

Not quite rising to full attention, but Mr Chair then raises the issue of Wivenhoe Town Council’s plans to commemorate the Queen’s Jubilee next summer:

“I suspect they may soon be asking for money”

I suspect Mr Chair is correct.

The Wivenhoe Townscape Forum is given a decent write up by Sue Glasspool:

“Good progress is being made. The members of the group have walked every street in Wivenhoe and looked at all open spaces to identify historic buildings, areas, vistas and other assets which could go on our draft local list.”

I wonder if the Townscape Forum has had the good fortune to walk along *cough* Chapel Road of late?

Moving, or walking on in a brisk manner…

Jane Hughes reports on the outstanding success that was Wivenhoe Open Gardens 2011:

“The weekend was sunny and warm, and visitors started arriving early on the Saturday morning to enjoy a splendid show of gardens. There were 28 open in all…

It was great to have several new gardens open, and new ventures represented, such as Transition Town Wivenhoe and Millfields and Broomgrove Schools.

The weekend raised profits of £3,400 which will be divided between St Mary’s Church and the Wivenhoe Society, whose share will be given to Wivenhoe Helping Hands.”

Great things come from green fingers. My prize courgette continues to grow to an unfeasibly large size.

Changes to recycling and rubbish collection days are also highlighted in the newsletter. Police matters are updated with details of the new police.uk site, as well as flagging the 101 non-emergency telephone number.

If you are part of the Wivenhoe twitterati then you could also follow the splendid @SgtLouMiddleton - “handcuffs with humour,” as one online wag observed of late.

Resting her Minutes Secretary and Honorary Secretary role for Wiv Soc, the good Rachel Allen then multitasks to the extreme, with an update on the Helping Hands AGM, of which she is also… Secretary.

Splendid.

“The mission of Helping Hands was reiterated - any job will be considered regardless of age and ability within the bounds of Wivenhoe - and although we cannot directly help with children, we can help with parents who may need some shopping or a prescription collected if their child is ill.

Our band of 42 volunteers [blimey] will attempt a whole range of minor tasks from taking people to doctor’s appointments to putting out bins. We do not operate an emergency service, but there is a dedicated phone line.”

THAT NUMBER AGAIN… 07834 452 764.

In these austere times when we are constantly reminded by gurning fools on TV that “we are all in this together,” it is genuinely nice to be reminded by someone who isn’t gurning, and most definitely isn’t a fool that yep, we really are all in this together and so let’s help each other out.

The Treasurer’s Report breaks down the funding of Wiv Soc and comes to a rather pleasant conclusion:

“Recently we have accumulated a small surplus each year and the Committee thinks that we could donate some money without running our reserves too low.”

The Youth Hub, both primary schools, the Ferry Trust, Christmas lights for the Legion, Helping Hands, Wivenhoe in Bloom, planting trees, replacing notice boards - all have benefited from Wivenhoe locals all being in this together.

“Remembering the aims of the Society, which are to preserve the amenities of Wivenhoe and generally make it a pleasant place in which to live, the Committee would like the views of members on how any money could best be spent.”

Suggestions via email. Inviting gurning fools that we see on TV to have a look around a barren patch of land that should be a new Health Centre, probably isn’t the best use of surplus Society funds.

The new gravel garden located by the Co-op / Jardine / Eyecare Wivenhoe / Bermuda Triangle is featured on p.7:

“The perennial plants were chosen for their propensity to thrive in a sunny, dry spot.”

As for the funding?

“Although there is a restricted budget made available by Wivenhoe Town Council for planting up the floral tubs throughout the town, Wivenhoe in Bloom are managing to pay for additional planting through fund-raising. Their plant stall at the May Fair raised an impressive £320.”

An incredibly generous £250 donation from Jardine has also helped, as has the Wiv Soc contribution of £200.

Some hapless hyperlocal type hails the first six months of the Wivenhoe Forum on p.8. Whaddya mean you haven’t… blah blah blah. Oh - just join. 243 members (and counting…) can’t all be wrong. Or even online bores.

Moira Collett reflects on the first year of Moving Image - twelve months with many ups and down, but overall an incredibly positive place to be after just one year of supporting an independent community cinema in Wivenhoe.

Having had to let go of the “ambitious plans to turn the St John Ambulance Hall in Wivenhoe’s very own cinema,” Moving Image has found a base at the Philip Road Centre. The Lakeside Theatre at the University was also experimented with, although “the audiences were never large enough,” and sadly this will not continue.

Taking Moving Image out into the community with the bicycle powered cinema at the May Fair, screenings at The Station and at the Cricket Club have been highlights. After a short summer break, Moving Image returns on 10th September with The King’s Speech.

Keeping the uplifting mood and what we all need is a picture of a semi-naked Mayor of Wivenhoe teasing all with a fine barrel chest and a towel wrapped around his torso in the style of a handsome Roman warrior.

Cripes.

The fantastic sport that is Mayor Robert Needham poses - in a very decent fashion - outside the newly re-opened outdoor swimming pool up at Broomgrove School:

“The swimming pool was originally built over thirty years ago but inevitably over the years it had fallen into a state of disrepair. The Wivenhoe Society gave £540 towards the pool’s refurbishment costs.

This saw the start of a major fundraising drive. The Broomgrove School’s Association managed to raise over £4,000 to add to £2,000 from the BSA reserves.”

Fine work from local parent and bathroom installer, Leigh Haig from LH Installations, who volunteered to complete the work at no cost. Seeing a semi-naked Mr Mayor in print is but a small price to pay.

And then finally on p.11 we have the New Town Map and Sign story:

“Wivenhoe First, an organisation that promotes local businesses, is responsible for the appearance of a new Wivenhoe map and notice board which has appeared in front of the floral boat outside the public car park.”

And most splendid it looks to. I got lost the other day simply leaving the house and putting the rubbish out. You’ll be telling me that there’s life north of the Co-op next.

Until next time…

To the Town Council Offices on a miserable Monday evening. The weather didn’t reflect my mood - who can fail to feel uplifted at the prospect of an hour or so of formal civic discussion?

Mr Mayor, or so it would seem.

An apology of absence (he’s a VERY busy fella, donctha know…) and instead we were under the splendid stewardship of the good Lady Deputy Mayor, Councillor Kraft.

Ruling as the Matriarch of Wivenhoe for the evening, the Lady Deputy Mayor ran a tight ship. It wasn’t quite as tight as her crab line from the day before at down at the Quay, but the bait of WTC mints proved too much for me to resist once again.

First off was the formal business of welcoming the two new Wivenhoe Town Councillors - Cllr Asa Aldis and Cllr Nick Tile. The new blood / bait have very kindly stepped forward and been vigorously interviewed as co-opted Cllrs.

We wish them well.

Correspondence from the public kicked off the conversation. High praise for Wivenhoe in Bloom came from Brian Thomas, noting the co-operation between the local green fingered gardening group and WTC in providing such a wonderful display outside by the Co-op / Jardine / Eyecare Wivenhoe - Bermuda Triangle.

Reports from the local political representatives followed. Cllr Julie Young, Labour’s representative for Colchester on Essex County Council (not THE representative, but not too far off either, Comrades) has had a busy month:

“We held a Scrutiny meeting last week. It was revealed that ECC has an UNDER spend of £480,000 for the previous financial year.”

Woh.

Run that through me once again, Comrade…

An UNDER spend of close to half a cool million. The good Cllr Young is pitching in to try and take £10k of this to spend on new toilets up at Broad Lane. I know a man who will feel quite flushed with that idea.

Cllr Young continued:

“The 20mph zone for lower Wivenhoe is set to come into operation on 25th July.”

Hurrah!

All those flash Tom, Dick and Harry’s racing through the town in their poncey sports cars will hopefully soon be thwarted. Speaking of which:

“We held a Full Council meeting last Tuesday where a motion was passed not to pay the allowance to the disgraced and jailed Lord Hangingfield, the former Leader of Essex County Council.”

This matter is NOT related to the £480,000 UNDER spend, I understand.

Cllr Young was keen to put on the record that she personally doesn’t take any freebie foreign trips that may come her way as part of the political cut and thrust. That’s what the 74 bus is for, Comrades.

With the Red Flag still flying over the Town Council Offices, the charming Cllr Steve Ford, Labour’s man down in the Quay ward at Colchester Borough Council, was next to update the meeting:

“Colchester Borough Council has now divided up the street service zones. What this means is that St Anne’s, Greenstead and Wivenhoe now has a dedicated team of three street wardens to look after waste issues, etc.”

Which is just as well, seeing as though confusion still surrounds the cutting back of refuse collection from a five day a week to a four days service throughout the Borough:

“A few teething problems have been reported to me in Wivenhoe. Some residents have complained that the rubbish hasn’t been collected by 3pm on Wednesdays, the new day for most of lower Wivenhoe. It may be that 5pm is now the latest that the bins will be collected in the Borough.”

Um, rubbish!

At least it means an end to that early morning 7am hike out in the jim jams to separate the leftovers from the curry incident from the night before.

On planning matters, Cllr Ford added:

“An application has now been submitted to knock down the old St John’s Ambulance building on Chapel Road, and then to build a new one bedroom / one studio facility. Questions need to be asked if this will actually enhance the existing structures on the street.”

Indeed they will. And indeed they were, later on in the meeting. This also leads to the presumption (NEVER presume, Jase) that the land has been secured by the private bidder, rather than the local group that was trying to purchase the property for community use.

Finally Cllr Ford got in flap over foliage. And quite rightly so:

“I am concerned that a lot of branches and bushes from gardens are being let to overgrow onto the street. These can be a hazard to elderly folk walking around the town. I would ask for all residents to take a responsible approach.”

Hear, hear *cough* lower end of Park Road…

With the business of the Borough and County Cllr’s covered (no Love Me I’m a Liberal lot this month; some scribbled notes came our way from the True Blue Cllr Quarrie) and then it was on to WTC Planning matters.

A date of 4th August has been set to bash the heads together between all thirteen WTC Cllr’s and our four CBC representatives in the two town wards. Nothing to do with political posturing, but simply an issue of co-operation when it comes to divvying up the dirty dosh that is Section 106 wonga.

This is basically a legal back hander when corporate organisations such as the University, or Taylor Wimpey, want to roll out its latest development. You scratch my back, we’ll close Clingoe Hill for a month, build private residential property and cover it up all in the name of International Conflict Resolution.

Cripes.

Previously the brown envelopes have been very a much a north and south issue, allocated on a boundary basis to either the Cross or Quay wards. The joined up thinking now is for co-operation to see where in Wivenhoe the money can best be best allocated.

Which all sounds like the best outcome for what can be a very underhand business.

Which brings us nicely to Cook’s Shipyard. The good Cllr Sinclair has been going through the (as yet unsigned) lease with all the dedication of a man that is as financially frugal as he is friendly.

“It appears that the supply of electricity and water down in the dry dock is something that WTC is expected to not only provide, but also to pay for. We need to consider this…”

But for all the talk of developments rolling out faster than the delayed 9:23 to Liverpool Street, it was a return to one particular piece of planning that still appears to be slightly off the rails:

The proposed new Health Centre.

Cripes.

Mr Mayor has held a “constructive” phone conversation with Bernard Jenkin, the MP for Harwich and North Essex. Yer man Bernie wanted some finer local Wivenhoe details ahead of a meeting about the delayed facility.

Here’s hoping Wivenhoe is still in good health.

But failing that, then there’s always the final resting place of the cemetery along Rectory Road. It’s not quite the Plan B for the Health Centre confusion, but rest easy, coffin dodgers - a Plan C is in place.

Put bluntly, WTC is running rather short on burial space. That’s what happens when a town is allowed to expand from a population of 2,000 to 10,000 over a twenty-five year period [said the Wivenhoe newcomer. Arf.]

The solution from WTC is to stack ‘em up high. The meeting was shown some pictures of what can best be described as a high rise for stiffs. Costing £4,725, the lofty structure allows sixteen individual ashes to be contained within.

It gives a new meaning to the phrase Ashes to Ashes.

In the blink of a heartbeat (steady) and WTC unanimously agreed to purchase the tower block for the dearly departed. To his credit, Cllr Read noted concern that the high rise should be made more personal.

Back in the land of the living and the William Loveless Hall Working Party reported back on grand plans to add a permanent backdrop to the stage. A local artist has been approached [sorry - didn't catch your name] and has returned with a truly splendid design to be put in place.

The artwork catches the view from Anchor Hill looking up. The Tudor Tea Rooms and On the Corner Cafe even get a nice little bit of free advertising. The painting really is rather good [said he with a CSE Grade 3 in Art.]

WTC formally passed the motion commission the full-scale painting. A backdrop will also be provided, for use when local groups need a more neutral background for various productions.

The Estates Working Party confirmed the date of 27th August for a 2pm unveiling for a much welcome plaque for Joan Hickson. This will be formally unveiled on Rose Lane, the site of the former actress’ home address.

Wivenhoe Woods Working Party reported back on a recent successful clearing of Ferry Marsh, with six new volunteers very kindly giving up their evening. It was noted that the mid-week scheduling of this event seems to be staged at a more convenient time.

Mr Mayor provided a written statement of his formal duties over the past month. These included a rare victory for the Mayor’s cricket team over Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club. It was claimed this was a first in living memory.

Still waiting in the wings - possibly with the intention of simply correcting the record - and Cllr Ford corrected the minutes by stating that the WTC team also triumphed during his period of Mayoral civic service.

Mayor Needham also reported that he had:

“Recorded a broadcast of Wiv Chat for Radio Wivenhoe.”

Well I never.

On to more serious matters with Community Safety and Police. Three matters were reported back to WTC:

(i) Lorries accessing Cook’s shipyard continue to break the restrictions governing their route down to the Quay. Part of the stipulation is that there is a 9am curfew. Any local resident who witness a breach of this is encouraged to take down the registration and report it.

(ii) The recent crime figures for Wivenhoe would appear to show that crime is actually on the increase. Don’t have nightmares - it seems that more crimes are being reported, hence the spike in crime stats.

(iii) Wivenhoe Neighbourhood Watch has been formally approached by Colchester Neighbourhood Watch to merge. This approach was politely turned down. Long live localism.

Meanwhile, in North Essex Estuary Boating News [didn't get the full name of the specific committee] and this is rather interesting: Brightlingsea Harbour has ambitions to run a new ferry service, running along the estuary route of Brightlingsea, Wivenhoe, Rowehedge and the Hythe.

This is not seen as a threat to the existing (and most excellent) Wivenhoe, Fingringhoe and Rowhedge Ferry - the Brightlingsea Harbour boys want to work together with the current crew. European funding is currently being sourced.

The fine Town Clerk then reported of repairs having been carried out to the damaged basketball court. A vandalised bench has also been repaired.

Finance noted the formal name change of the Mayor’s Charity Fund to the Mayor’s Appeal Fund. No charitable status, yet no less worthy.

And then finally Highways heard how the Paget Road railway crossing is going to be closed as from 26th July for an unspecified period whilst maintenance is carried out. Which should at least save half a dozen wandering cats.

The meeting then cleared the public gallery (um, the good Cllr Ford, his son and myself) to discuss some business in private. No worries. With a chaperone of smiling Steve to see me safely back to base, we talked about them, as they no doubt talked about us.

Only joking.

Se ya next month, Comrades.

This piece was written on request for the Summer edition of the Wivenhoe Society Newsletter.

Six months since first launching, the Wivenhoe Forum has continued to grow in both membership and useful online local dialogue. I launched the site on 1st January 2011, with the aim of putting it out there and seeing where the local community would take it.

We now have over two hundred registered members joining in the local Wivenhoe conversation, as well as a considerable number of lurkers - folk who read the forum on a daily basis yet haven’t joined up… yet!

It is still very early days in the history of the Wivenhoe Forum, but already it is finding its feet. Wivenhoe Town Council has turned to the Forum when promoting various civic matters. I am pleased that a number of prominent local Concillors use the forum and join in the many conversations.

For a sleepy town with a slow pace of life, news and information changes frequently online. The power of harnessing the internet at a hyperlocal level is to be able to connect folk in the community who may not otherwise come into contact with one another. Taking this conversation and co-operation offline and out into the real world is one of the aims that I had in mind when setting up the site.

Constructive conversation following the May Fair has proven to be the most useful conversation to date. The particular May Fair thread explored the way forward for the annual event, with over 3,000 unique page views to date.

But for all the major Wivenhoe news stories that are rightfully given a platform, what has pleased me most has been the minor local domestic matters where the Wivenhoe Forum has been able to help. Asking for a large ladder to be lent, or re-uniting lost cats - both of these have been success stories in the first six months, both separate incidents!

Local groups have been using the Wivenhoe Forum to further promote their fine work. A possible renaissance of the legendary Wivenhoe Arts Club is also being discussed online.

We have had local traders taking up the offer to post up details of their business for free to share within the local community. The Wivenhoe Forum positively supports the local economy and we are pleased whenever local traders take up the offer to plug their skills.

Please do have a look at the Wivenhoe Forum - it is as simple as accessing www.wivenhoeforum.co.uk. You don’t have to be a member to read the posts, but signing up will enable you to join the conversations.

The benefits will only continue to grow as hopefully more members participate. The greater the mix of Wivenhoe locals talking and sharing ideas online will only lead to more co-operation as to how to make Wivenhoe an even better place to live and work.

Thank you to all that have made the first six months such a success for the Wivenhoe Forum. We are a very welcoming community and are always keen to listen and share in new conversations.

Eagle-eyed hyperlocal cartographers [hellooo!] can’t have failed to have noticed the latest Wivenhoe map that has appeared overnight opposite The Greyhound.

Proudly displaying all the present and correct local points of interest, the fine map work is all the making of Wivenhoe First, the local organisation that helps to promote Wivenhoe businesses.

Getting lost along the main drag of The Avenue and the High Street can’t be hard - locating exactly where the bowls club is situated is slightly trickier.

Wivenhoe is very much a North / South sort of town - you walk from one end to the other, usually from pub to pub. We’re not exactly a North Essex tourist trap either - and thank heavens for that - but all local knowledge is good.

Two years in the planning and preparation (cripes) and the Wivenhoe First map is certainly a welcome addition. I rather like the idea that a local organisation, and not the soulless town planners from Colchester Borough Council instigated it.

Wivenhoe Town Council has given full support to the scheme; planning permission was of course sought from the big boys over at CBC. All funding came from the money raised in producing the Wivenhoe Business Directory.

Additional leaflets detailing the local businesses along the route are also planned to be made available in nearby holders. Incorporating all local shops and traders en route would have been great, but sadly in these ever changing economic times, the town is rather transient right now.

I understand that the bollards at the end of Queens Road were discussed in the planning.

Blimey.

Never Mind the Bollards, etc, here’s the Methodist Church.

Oh Lordy.

To Rectory Road on Thursday evening for the June performance of the Wivenhoe Funny Farm at the Cricket Club. I’ve seen many comedy performances take place out on a cricket square, but never inside a cricket pavilion. I like to think that in a parallel universe, there is an Ashes series being contested within a backstreet comedy club.

The pavilion at Rectory Road is the perfect fit for the Wivenhoe Funny Farm. Arriving fashionably late, @AnnaJCowen and I were guided to our reserved seats (natch) right on the front row.

It wasn’t so much best seats in the house (although they were rather decent) but a seating arrangement that allowed you to count the comedy wrinkle lines underneath the eyelids of each performer.

Many comedians have metaphorically died on stage, and if this was to be the case at the Funny Farm, my front seat position had me well placed to be the undertaker. Or even the assassin.

The atmosphere inside the Funny Farm was lively, but friendly enough so as to not encourage the boozed up comedy heckling bores that have come to characterise the London circuit.

You’ve got be pretty cock sure of yourself to take on a pro. I thought of the perfect riposte to one particular gag, albeit twelve hours later at the start of the working day. The momentum had been lost somewhat.

@HazelFunnyFarm was of course the fine compare for the evening. Taking time out from Wivenhoe Panto script duties / comedy workshops / the general business of paying the bills - Hazel was on fine form.

She needed to be, given that the golden rule of comedy bookings had just been broken: never allow your three comedians to travel in the same car up from London.

Whoops.

With a prompt 8:30 start necessary to keep the show on the road, Hazel took to the stage / darts oche, and opened up the Funny Farm. It was an incredibly brave move, speaking for what could have been five minutes, or equally it could have stretched out to half an hour.

With one eye on the clock and one eye on the front door awaiting the comedy roadshow of the comedians in a car, Hazel effortlessly made light fun of the May Fair (“Tye Die Hard“) the Co-op and poetrywivenhoe.

The joke was on the host for the latter, having just picked up the distinction of a merit award in the poetrywivenhoe annual poetry competition. The first public reading of the anti-poetry piece then took place.

And then just when it looked like this might be an epic effort where one woman keeps the show on the road for a Springsteen style three hour set, the Rectory Road pavilion doors opened and the headcount of comedians quadrupled.

Hurrah!

This was something of a slightly different Funny Farm evening with two joint headliners warming up for their imminent Edinburgh fringe performances.

Juliet Meyers’ I’m Not Spartacus show made the transition instantly from out of the back of the car to the front of the stage at the Cricket Club. The raw and slightly chaotic preparation fitted the jokes perfectly.

I’m Not Spartacus addresses themes connected with political apathy, despite an inner will to change the world. It also fitted the Wivenhoe lifestyle rather well.

Some splendid confusion was added to the conclusion, with an audience re-enactment of a Spartacus theme involving a couple of Wivenhoe locals, a strong Yorkshire accent and a sex analogy featuring snails and oysters.

Follow that, Edinburgh.

A quick beer break, and I soon became aware as to why I am a man of blogs, rather than gags. Finding myself at the urinal next to a very senior member of Wivenhoe Town Council, my observation of “so this is where all the big knobs hang out” had the predictable p*** poor reaction.

Whoops.

Now wash your hands.

David Hannant then showcased a short set, reflecting on life in Devon and life in South London. Somewhere in-between the culture clash is probably Wivenhoe.

The final performance for the evening was from Liam Mullone, trying out ideas for his own Down to the Bone Edinburgh show. Social class observations, the history of religion as told through the life cycle of a teenager and condom jokes - all correct and present.

This was a very welcoming Wivenhoe audience, grateful of the time and effort from the performers to come to our town to preview their Edinburgh performances.

Recordings were made for Radio Wivenhoe - I’m rightfully respecting the wishes of the Funny Farm in sending them on to the promoters first, before publishing here.

Plus edits are required for profanity - **** yeah.

The next Funny Farm takes place on 21st July, as ever at the Cricket Club along Rectory Road. For a town that thankfully doesn’t take itself too seriously, there is plenty to laugh about.

Never one to shy away from showcasing our local Wivenhoe talent and characters: it’s only Barnwell Bear.

Blimey!

With a huge heads up to Moira to for very kindly supplying these photographs (which I believe have already been published in the brilliant Wivenhoe News?) - here we have everyone’s favourite local independent toyshop mascot in his many different disguises.

Watching Barnwell change his wardrobe as the autumnal weeks of my first arrival in Wivenhoe soon became a snowy winter, was one of the highlights each morning as I cycled down towards the foot of the town.

It was a blog post waiting to happen - not to mention a don’t forget yer camera moment each morning, something which I never quite got organised enough to put in place.

A casual tweet (oh yes) and my inbox became full of Barnwell Bears.

Brilliant.

I’ve no idea where the name comes from, but I suspect Barnwell has some hyerlocal historical significance. I personally think that he bears (geddin there) an uncanny resemblance to a certain Wivenhoe Town Councillor…

Everyone has to have his or her favourite Barnwell look - mine is the bird watching estuary gent. I’ve heard pub talk of Barnwell appearing in full S & M gear around Valentine’s Day. The special safety word is probably Goldilocks.

Now would be apt timing to remind folk of the Wivenhoe Teddy Bear’s Picnic, taking place on the afternoon of 31st July at the KGV. Dubbed Mini-May Fair, here’s hoping that as much excitement is evident for the ankle biters as was experienced by their big brothers and sisters last month.

Plus a quick plug for Barnwell’s new neighbour, the delightful Divine Intervintage, located just across the alley from Jack in the Box. Selling a line of classic, retro and vintage clothes, I wish the new Wivenhoe business venture well.

Maybe Barnwell could be kitted out in a costume from next door? Cross dressing cuddly toys is just *sooo* Wivenhoe, dahhhling…