onionbagblog

An unexpected break in the working morning on Thursday could only mean one thing: To Brightlingsea! By bicycle!

Blimey.

The brilliant late September sunshine was sufficient for me to strip out of the pinstripe (yeah, right…) and into the more lounge like all in one lycra body suit. With a water bottle strapped to my thigh and a siphon halfway up my leg leading to the old man, what could go wrong?

Never bicycle to Brightlingsea with a weak bladder, Comrades. At least lycra is waterproof.

Still towing the corporate line for what was left of the morning, my mission statement as I freewheeled down Rectory Road was to make hay whilst the sun shines. Or even make seaweed - you can make seaweed, right?

I’m not from London, donctha know.

Blessed was I with the Moulton Deluxe as Alresford soon came on my radar. With almost half a century of fine cycling service offered, I am but the current custodian of Dr Alex’s freakish F Frame.

I wasn’t alone in taking two wheels along the B1027. The passing pelaton wasn’t quite Dylan Highway 69 iconography, but then his Bobness hasn’t written any cutting, contemporary social commentary incorporating The Pointer pub.

My Moulton 17″ rims rode over the fallen autumn leaves as I pedaled up Tenpenny Hill. I puzzled how the Essex Mediterranean weather could be so cruel to fool the leaves into an early release, under the belief that bonfire night is fast approaching. Mother Nature has had a premature female ejaculation.

Funny how cycling can fill yer mind with all sorts of crap.

I climbed the Col du Thorrington, a category one feat for sure. And then the long run in to Brightlingsea was in my sight. Past the church, the Colne Community School and then down towards the heartbeat of Brightlingsea:

Whaddya know - the bloody chip was closed. It was just after 9am, after all.

I sucked in sea air through parted nostrils, nosed around with my camera and then cycled off back to base for the afternoon shift.

Wivenhoe you are of course rather lovely, but Brightlingsea…

Nah, better not say it.

Early shift tomorrow, Comrades.

Full flickr feed over here.

That time of year again - best foot forward in the walking boots and off for an amble around Wivenhoe Wood.

Wonderful.

And so what has changed in the twelve months since @AnnaJCowen and I last went playing Cowboys and Indians underneath the hyperlocal canopy / copping off place?

Um - we didn’t cop off, for sure…

Coppicing meanwhile remains an acceptable practise around these North Essex estuary wilds. The Wivenhoe Wood Working Party is ALWAYS the highlight of any Wivenhoe Town Council monthly meeting. Coppicing continues, as does sadly some petty vandalism of the public picnic benches.

We were slightly earlier in our autumnal walk than the year previous. Twelve months ago and it was all about chopping down tress and making industrial sized cardboard boxes as part of the Great Escape.

Acorns from the old oaks rained down upon us from above. It was like a Made in Essex scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, swashbuckling the fallout from above, and pretending that you are a rugged Hollywood star with two days of bearded growth.

And that was just The Girl.

Blimey.

Any walk in Wivenhoe Wood leaves you with a tardis feel for the great outdoors. As the 9:23 pulls out of Wivenhoe Station, you’ve barely got time to read the leader column in The Telegraph before you hit upon the Hythe.

A wood? Pah. More like a collection of oversized twigs.

But once removed from the Monday - Friday commute, and with a whole afternoon in which to lose yourself (and possibly your wood companion…) and Wivenhoe Wood is indeed greater than the sum of its parts.

We stumbled across a number of young families, picnicking away, hidden away but most definitely not playing away. There’s room for half the town to hide out in there, as was plainly evident during May Fair…

Predictably we became lost, just as Songs of Praise was calling. A short cut following the toke trail delivered us back to the boundary of the KGV. A couple of kids were playing football, and soon I found the ball at my feet.

“Don’t embarrass yourself” came the call from @AnnaJCowen.

A pedestrian shimmy, a slip on the sacred KGV turf and soon I was arse bound in the great outdoors.

Whoops.

We headed back into Wivenhoe Wood where The Girl ritually humiliated me for failing to dazzle Yoof with my footballing skills. I was strip naked, tied to a great oak and had a sharp pair of studs pressed firmly against my now throbbing nipple flesh.

Just another Sunday afternoon.

Same again next year.

Full flickr feed over here.

It wasn’t all about telling private property developers where to p-off to around these estuary parts on Saturday. Something slightly more sedate, but equally as worthy, was the public appearance of BRA up at Broadfields.

Blimey.

BRA of course is the good Broadfields Residents Association, who were taking the opportunity of being blessed in the early autumnal sunshine to re-launch the organisation with a lunchtime community BBQ.

Working parallel to this was the push to try and raise awareness (and possible funds) for the much needed youth facilities up towards the top of the town.

The event was staged at the council owned land at the back of Henrietta Close. I had no idea that this valuable public space existed. It’s not exactly the splendour of Castle Park in Colchester, but then I doubt that the grounds budget matches the finances that come the way of the borough’s flagship space.

It has potential - a small football pitch with goals is already in place. The plans are for a multi-play space, a basketball area and some outdoor gym equipment that can be used by young folk and adults alike.

But all of this takes planning and co-operation - which is exactly where the support (geddin!) of BRA comes from.

On Saturday a mixed crowd from the community came together to have a chat, enjoy the BBQ and come up with some plans as to the working way ahead. This is exactly what BRA wanted - local folk leaving their houses or the chores of Saturday morning shopping, and taking time to share their needs and ideas.

Helping all of this along was the tireless work of Wivenhoe Youth Hub, transported from the Philip Road Centre and up towards The Cross, lending support and advice. Failing that then the soft bribe of burgers on the BBQ always seems to win Yoof over.

The Hub folk know what works around the town for young folk, as well as having the knowledge and contacts about what can be realistically achieved. This input will be vital if the plans for Henrietta Close are to come a step closer to happening.

Cllr Cory of the Cross ward was at hand to offer suggestions and help out with the funding options. He told me that he is “confident that funding can be found,” even in these cash strapped days for any local authority.

BRA meanwhile aims to be not overtly formal, but a group where residents can come together with their own beliefs and shared aims to help develop more of a sense of community. LibDem Cllr Cory even whispered to me through gritted teeth the dreaded *shhh* Big Society ideal.

If both BRA and the Hub related youth facilities can be sustained, Broadfields will be all the better for it. You can become part of both plans by contacting Cllr Cory. You can email him over here, or contact him directly on 07988 800301.

To the William Loveless Hall! …on Saturday afternoon to watch LIVE Premier League football being shown in 3D HD on a 100 inch plasma screen, refreshments from a newly installed cocktail bar with a bunny girl waitress service and the offer of a stretch limo personal lift home to all residents of Wivenhoe, kindly paid for by our friends from Wivenhoe Town Council.

Only joking, Comrades.

Well - not quite…

Money is an all-important issue for any hyperlocal town council during these lean times, especially so when the fat of the land from the political food chain up above is rather anorexic.

So is the land itself, it seems.

Bunny girls aside, filthy lucre and land were both prevalent at the Loveless Hall on Saturday. WTC had called the public meeting to ask the revolting residents what they think about the “gift” of some farmland from Maldon based Jenny Moody Properties, plus £125,000, in return for the plot of land opposite Millfields School.

In case you haven’t got half an hour to spare to take in all the cut and thrust of very valued local opinion, I’ll save you the time by flagging up the concluding comment from a resident:

“My view is to tell Jenny Moody properties where they can stick their £125k.”

Good point, well made.

That was pretty much the public meeting done and dusted. Is The Greyhound open yet?

For the formal record, here’s how the revolting residents of Wivenhoe went about the process of instructing it’s Town Council to voice the opposition to the “gift” of an offer, as well as the continued belief that WTC is acting on behalf of the revolters.

Mayor Needham opened the standing room only public meeting, stating:

“How rewarding it is to see so many people. It is important that enough people have clearly indicated their view on the points that we are discussing.”

With concern expressed at the WTC meeting last Monday that a number of plants might be in place, Mayor Needham added:

“We ask and respect that only residents of Wivenhoe take part in the final vote.”

The purpose of the afternoon was outlined:

“What do the residents of Wivenhoe think of the negotiating offer put forward to WTC by JMP?”

To call it a “negotiating offer” is indeed very diplomatic. You can see how the arbitration skills of Mayor Needham have led him to wear the gold chains of office, whilst I was left sitting on the front row with my stinkin’ Dunlops.

Mayor Needham continued:

“Why have we called this public meeting? Correspondence over the years have contained an increased offer for the land. If JMP obtains planning permission, the Millfields site will be sold, with a 50 / 50 split between WTC and Elmstead Parish Council.”

Ah - the Elmstead Parish Council Question around the estuary wilds is almost as controversial as the West Lothian Question within Westminster. In brief - the land on Dene Park estate, opposite Millfields Primary School, was gifted to Elmstead Parish Council as public open space in 1984 – before boundary changes. Elmstead councillors now want to sell it to developer JMP to help pay for leisure facilities in the village.

To help ease the collective conscience (yeah, right…) of WTC, Elmstead Parish Council is also offering up two acres of nearby farmland as a “gift” [geddin!] to the residents of Wivenhoe.

Mayor Needham outlined how:

“WTC believes it is acting on the general view of the residents of Wivenhoe in opposition. This has prompted a response from JMP, questioning this.”

What JMP of Maldon is politely saying, is put up or shut up. Which brings us back to the packed Loveless Hall on a Saturday afternoon, when quite frankly, most folk would rather be sipping half pints of lager shandy outside the Rose and Crown.

Name yer price, is also the message (of sorts) coming out of JMP. This is a question worth examining in more detail. The £125k offered to WTC will also be offered to Elmstead Parish Council. What’s ours is yours, etc.

Um - hang on…

So a poxy figure has led some local revolting Wivenhoe residents to the conclusion that JMP knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. I count myself in this rather fine demographic.

The Millfields land is right opposite our fine local primary school. As well as the considerable disruption and possible danger that building “between five to eight” house will incur, the long term effect is the surrender of yet more valuable green space in Wivenhoe.

Where’s the good Tom Roberts when you need him to shout out “Wivenhoe is full!”

Standing down the side of the packed Loveless Hall, actually…

Questions were then opened up from the floor; answers were kindly provided by Mayor Needham:

Q. Who owns the farmland that is being “gifted?”

A. Farmer Bowes.

Q. Would the £125k be subject to thieving [aha!] from Colchester Borough Council?

A. All correspondence has made it clear that it will be allocated to WTC.

Q. £125k + £125k = £250k - is this the asking price for the land?

A. No - it is the net profit after the various purchase administration fees.

Q. Can you confirm that Elmstead Parish Council actually owns the land?

A. Yes.

Q. It therefore follows that if Elmstead Parish Council is the owner, they would then be selling the land to JMP. This means that it is Elmstead Parish Council that is “gifting” WTC the money, and not JMP.

A. Absolutely right. The sale will only go through if planning permission is granted.

You couldn’t have more of a classic brown envelope case of a back scratching scenario if you went into the Co-op and bought a big back scratching stick and asked for it to be discreetly wrapped up in a copy of the esteemed Wivenhoe and Brightlingsea Chronicle.

Q. Local residents walk their dogs around the land. Who gives planning permission?

A. The planning authority is Colchester Borough Council. They push down to WTC for comment or recommendations.

Q. Didn’t Cllr Steve Ford say in The Gazette that he had secured the land for Wivenhoe? Is he here?

A. [from the good Cllr Steve Ford] No and yes.

Q. [and a VERY GOOD one at that...] If JMP can buy the land from Elmstead Parish Council, why can’t we as a town?

A. [and a VERY TELLING one at that...] we could, but we would have to purchase the land from Elmstead Parish Council. This could be… problematic.

Councillor Kraft that interjected with a point of order, explaining how an offer has been made in the past, but this was rejected. It seems that any back scratching can only be put in place under the patch of JMP of Maldon.

Q. If no planning permission is granted on the top site, what is to stop JMP from trying to buy the two acres of farmland for development?

Cripes.

Careless talk costs lives, Comrade.

A. If no planning permission is given to the top site, this will be the end of the matter.

A fine point from a fine mature lady sitting on the front row:

“I have been a resident of Dene Park for thirty years. This land was gifted to us. I feel morally robbed that in what was gifted is now being tried to be taken back by Elmstead Parish Council.”

And perhaps the knock out punch came in the answer given to the [non-planted] question:

“What is the status of the upper land? I thought that an agreement was made that it was gifted to residents of Dene Park by Elmstead Parish Council.”

Cometh the hour, cometh Comrade Cyril Liddy, an ex-Town Cllr with an inner working knowledge of the ins and outs of the status of land on Dene Park that is almost on par with my inner working knowledge of Roy of the Rovers:

“The deeds that I have in my hand state that the land should not be used for any other purpose than public space.”

In other words, this is a done deal, JMP. Time to move back to Maldon, or whatever local community you want to sniff around and try and claim some gift for the local coffers in return for green land.

Um, good luck, Madam.

An incredibly brave lady of *shhh* Elmstead Parish Council then had the balls (sort of) to stand up at the Loveless Hall, declare who she was and offer up the defence for land grabbing.

Thankfully the Church Ale was last weekend, else I fear that an escort down to St Mary’s and some time spent in the stocks might have seen an end to her Saturday afternoon.

Meanwhile…

Best Q - EVER: Colchester Borough Council have let us down very badly. If this was land in Israel, and Palestine applied for ownership, what would happen?

Um, Tony Blair would get involved and make even more of a mess? Best stay out of Millfields, Tone.

Q. How dare Elmstead Parish Council ask us for our land? It should have been given to us when Colchester Borough Council took us over.

Cllr Sinclair of WTC then added:

“If I was a member of Elmstead Parish Council, I would be doing everything I can to try and protect the residents that I serve.”

Fair point, but opening up local political squabbles with your nearby neighbours isn’t exactly going to do wonders in helping to create an atmosphere of co-operation.

Time to walk it like you talk it. Or as they say down at The Station at chucking out time: are you a lover or a fighter?

Kiss kiss, Comrades.

The proposal came from the floor to conclude the meeting with two questions upon which to be vote:

(i) The residents of Wivenhoe believe that the top land is unsuitable for development and

(ii) the gifted land is unsuitable for the purpose offered.

Cllr Kraft wanted to make it clear before the vote that:

“If we reject the offer, we lose £125k, and also possibly the use of the farmland.”

“But that’s blackmail!”

…came the cry from the back row of the Loveless Hall.

“This whole thing is blackmail,”

…replied the good lady.

More Q’s…

Q. Is Elmstead Parish Council acting illegally?

A. I am not prepared to answer legal questions.

Fine answer, Sir.

Definitions were then bounced back and forth, with the meeting seeking to find the best response for JMP. It was here that the “stick it up yer…” comment achieved the loudest applause of the afternoon.

The meeting finally voted on:

“This meeting of the residents of Wivenhoe objects to the offer put forward by JMP to WTC.”

YES

“Wivenhoe residents support WTC in representing them.”

YES - with bells on.

Phew - had me for a while on that second one, Comrades.

And that was yer lot. JMP was sent pack back to Maldon, Elmstead Parish Council was told to have a little more value than a poxy £125k when trying to sell residents short, and the revolting residents of Wivenhoe waited for the floor to clear, the 100 inch 3D HD TV to show the Man Utd match, and cocktails being served up by bunny girls.

Betcha they were from Elmstead.

Preparation and planning for these #WivChat sessions are as intense as the recording process itself. I either spend a lost minute searching the esteemed Wivenhoe Encyclopaedia for a sniff around about my latest victim, or send an anonymous email to the lovely Mrs X, my fountain of knowledge (and free cake) for all that is happening on the Wivehhoe hyperlocal beat.

Not so however for my latest guest.

Brian Ford is a name and face that I recognised from around the town. Different folk have been telling me that he is a character worth pursuing and pinning down in Studio #WivChat.

My background research on Brian wasn’t exactly down a blind alley, but my preparation notes simply read: Folk Club / Panto.

Brevity is often the bungling conversationalists best friend.

To my great delight, Brian rather warmed to an email from someone who he has never met, asking him to come around to his kitchen / Studio #WivChat, have a coffee and then sing some songs all about lonely petunias.

Our opening handshake didn’t exactly fill me with confidence in completing the gaps in my notepad. “I’m not from Wivenhoe!” declared Brian, leaving me wondering how #WivChat was going to fill the next hour or so with conversation about exactly why he isn’t from Wivenhoe.

Um…

Have faith in the healing power of a strong cup of coffee and the art of conversation. Plus a Tom Paxton song always helps.

Despite his polite protests profiling himself as a man from not around this parish, Brian has contributed immensely to Wivenhoe social and cultural life over the course of the past two decades.

In the conversation below we explore Brian’s move from Colchester to Alresford, how the Folk Club first led him to Wivenhoe, and then further thigh slapping (and mighty fine scripts) with the Wivenhoe Pantomime Group.

It is fair to say that Brian is a folkie at heart. He came to Studio #WivChat claiming, “I only know three chords.” Modesty is a fine trait in a man. Three songs later - and a chord repertoire that would allow for an avant-garde jazz re-working of Mull of Kintyre - and the recording was a wrap.

Our conversation covers what makes Wivenhoe unique when compared to Alresford, the challenges in staging a successful monthly folk club in a rural estuary town, and how you go about taking a traditional pantomime story and then twisting it totally to have a hyperlocal angle.

A little over a hour later after Brian first arrived at Studio #WivChat and my notepad was full of scribbles and observations, we had an hour of broadcast material and I was left feeling that Brian is truly a lovely, lovely bloke.

And so with apologies to Mrs X - I think your work is done.

Preparation?

Pah.

Forget the politics - fancy a first look around @firstsite? The new visual arts facility in Colchester finally opens its doors this weekend. I was fortunate enough to be invited in for a sneak preview on Wednesday to witness the wonders that can be found within.

What strikes you first is the sheer size. Was there really a poxy and pokey old dump of a car park occupying this very same patch of land? firstsite is an artistic tardis; *some* may cast the town’s outspoken MP at the bogey cyberman.

It may not quite be a golden renaissance of Roman architecture for Britain’s Oldest Recorded Town [geddin there!] but firstsite is certainly going to be accompanying the Water Tower in becoming one of the landmarks of Colchester. There isn’t too many of those recognisable symbols on the horizon around CO1 - reason enough to celebrate the success of bringing the ambitious project to our region.

Uruguayan architect Rafael Viñoly is responsible for the design. From the outside the sweeping curves remind you of an old Roman amphitheatre. The exterior space genuinely opens up the run of land from the top of East Hill, Queens Street and down as far as the back of St Botolph’s.

Colchester has gained a new playground.

There has been much sniggering concerning the Cultural Quarter tag, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, Comrades. What firstsite will hopefully achieve is to attract locals and visitors alike to the lure of the golden goose, and then introduce them to the fringe activities at The Minories, the creatives operating out of 15 Queen Street, the pop up space at the Hidden Kiosks etc.

The need for a visual arts facility in Colchester has been questioned by some. The Minories - magnificent though it is - has long since outgrown any purpose for profiling leading artists. It can now hopefully become a place for reflection, such as was the case with the recent Denis Wirth-Miller retrospective.

The challenge of course is how to attract the public to what is by definition, a very public art facility. firstsite is the last of the great National Lottery hurrahs. Colchester was lucky to get the golden centrepiece just ahead of the credit crunch.

Detractors argue that it is a waste of the public purse – possibly with a valid point. But the funding was ring-fenced for the East of England, and so Colchester’s gain has to be at the loss of Cambridge, Peterborough and Southend. No sleep lost there.

The cost has been controversial - £18m spiralling up to £28m. The contractors simply couldn’t handle the ambitious curve of Viñoly’s sweeping architectural statement. If a job’s worth doing, etc. You should see what a state the Colosseum is currently in.

firstsite may *or may not* have been the downfall of the contemporary art loving Conservatives (cripes) in Colchester. Oh the irony of the local LibDems publishing and damning the half-finished shell in their election literature, and now celebrating the great golden goose back at the Town Hall. At least Saint Bob is true to his word as a doubter.

As for the future? With mixed media temporary art exhibits visiting our town, I can’t see Brian Sewell making a visit to Sunny Colch sometime soon: “Colchester is neither New York or Rome” remarked a recent Observer review of the building - and for that we must count our blessings.

But this all leaves firstsite with the challenge of how to attract international contemporary artists to a town that is struggling to compete with Chelmsford and Southend to even achieve city status.

Maybe the challenge is that there is no challenge to be won and lost? Celebrate firstsite for what it is - a stunning statement on the hyperlocal Colchester landscape. It can be many different things to many different people, both in Colchester and out in the wider arts world. What would you rather have there? The brutalist architecture, squalor and general seediness that characterised the old bus station?

Like any contemporary modern building, firstsite will take some time to find its feet. There is no difference between the U’s getting bedded down in the Weston Homes Community Stadium, and art lovers learning to like firstsite.

We’re all performers, dahhhling…

And so congratulations to Kath Wood and the team for having stuck with the project, particularly when being an artist in Colchester was considered something of a dirty name.

Unless you are rolling around naked in body paint and creating some sixth form artistic faux pax on the walls of our new golden wonder, now is the time to celebrate all that is artistic in modern Camulodunum.

firstsite opens to the public on 25th September. Head for the old bus station and then look out for the golden Essex bling. You’ll be amazed, believe me.

Disclaimer: I occasionally take paid employment from firstsite, editing audio content for the website. So there, Saint Bob.

To the Town Council Offices! …on Monday evening for the monthly Wivenhoe Town Council meeting. Did ya miss us? This was the first WTC meeting since the summer recess back in those hazy days of July.

Or was it?

MC Hammer - aka Mayor Needham - opened the meeting with a commanding civic spanking of the best Mayoral mallet that money can buy from B & Q, and then authorised the minutes for the August EGM.

Hang on, Comrades - August? EGM? Most of lower Wivenhoe was too busy topping up the tans with some bikini action when the good Cllrs had the urgency to call an EGM. Same goes for bored bloggers as well.

Wanna see my bikini line?

Anyway - it was a lively old affair back in August it seems: the ongoing rumble of a zebra crossing outside the Co-op, the rate support grant, Section 106 allocation, buying up the old police houses, whispers of a *cough* WTC website - and here was me enjoying my Sex on the Beach. Or even at the Black Buoy.

Blimey.

But on Monday evening as I took up my place on the press table and feverishly awaited the (semi) political tease that is the Reports from the Borough and County Councillors, the heady days of summer but were a hazy memory drifting off down the High Street.

Kicking off with the catch up was Cllr Julie Young, Labour’s representative on Essex County Council.

“The 20mph speed zone for lower Wivenhoe was supposed to have been introduced in July. Government red tape has slowed this down. The Department of Transport has just issued advice on how to make this easier, which is rather ironic.”

Oh no they haven’t. Oh yes they have.

Punch ‘n Judy politics around the WTC chamber.

Cripes.

“I have written to the Minister, Norman Baker, but as yet have received no update.”

He’s probably caught up in the traffic along Alma Street.

“The proposed public footpath from Elmstead Road to Broad Lane is also stalling. Sadly the landowner has refused permission.

Elsewhere and I have had the usual concerns about lorries traveling along Rectory Road, Valley Road, Park Road…”

And the rest. Plus probably at a speed higher than 20mph.

Whoops.

“We were promised a new bus shelter during the first or second week of September outside William Sparrow Court for students waiting to travel to the Colne School. Watch this space.”

Or even shelter.

Taking a step to the Right - or is it Left? - I’m never actually sure in all of this centre ground mix up of the nu politics… was LibDem Cllr Mark Cory, one of the Colchester Borough Council representatives for the Cross ward:

“There is an event up at Henrietta Close this Saturday to promote the proposed new youth facilities and to re-launch BRA.”

TWANG!

Titter (oh yes) ye not - BRA is of course the very valid and worthy Broadfields Residents Association. Talk about a storm in a D-cup.

“Our friends from [the ACE] Wivenhoe Youth Hub will be there to help out. A BBQ will be in place, and we will have some designs for the new youth facilities that we want to buy, [ConDem] funding not withstanding.”

It all starts at midday and is certainly worthy of your support.

Cllr Cory continued:

“I am pleased to report that the University’s Knowledge Gateway roadworks along Clingoe Hill didn’t overrun.”

Quite.

And keeping with the University theme:

“There is concern that the polling stations for the students at the Lecture Theatre Block aren’t compliant with regulations.”

Concern from whom? The Nation’s Future Leader’s or the local Cllr’s seeking their support?

Plus:

“I will be attending the *cough* controversial Planning Committee meeting on Thursday that involves a local Wivenhoe issue. I shall leave you with that thought, and elaborate more at the meeting.”

Wise man. He’ll go far. Possibly all the way to the little wooden trestle table at the back of the Lecture Theatre Block come election time.

Keeping with the balance, and the next Borough Councillor to address the meeting was Labour’s Cllr Steve Ford of the Quay ward. Cllr Ford is a man of many talents, and one that can multi-task in the same manner that I can tie up a shoelace whilst chewing on some gum.

Searching in-between his Co-op shopping list and his WTC report, we learnt the following:

“I have asked for a site visit to the St John’s Ambulance building ahead of the Planning Committee meeting on Thursday.”

Two tins of beans.

Whoops. Wrong list.

“There has been a government consultation on planning.”

Two pints of milk.

“The key point is that if an application is sustainable, then it will pass.”

Much like the Co-op’s Bran Flakes after a night spent on the dark ale.

“Colchester Borough Council does have a local development framework, and so we should be OK.”

On more hyperlocal matters, the good Cllr Ford confirmed that there are concerns from residents along Valley Road about recent activity from Taylor Wimpey. Meetings are being arranged to hear the concerns.

Good man.

Back in the Yellow corner (and up the road in the Cross) and Cllr Jon Manning briefly mentioned his CBC activity of late:

“There have been a few planning enforcement orders. Cars have been worked on in driveways, in what we believe have been of a business nature. This requires a business planning application. I shall be keeping an eye on this.”

A familiar ‘concern’ over polling booths was expressed by Conservative Cllr Anna Quarrie of the Quay ward. Anyone would think that there is a local election on the horizon, Comrades:

“I have called for an election box to be put in place at Broomgrove School for the Quay ward. Some of the electorate find it an inconvenience to walk down from the Cross to the William Loveless Hall.”

I bet they do. Especially so when yer seat is up for grabs next May, Madam.

Phew.

What we need now is an apolitical piece all about parking matters. Bang on cue and it’s only Peter Kay, the public representative on transport matters with his well-researched monthly report:

“I have parking concerns over the May Fair congestion. What can WTC do about this?”

Oh Lordy.

With the mallet now firmly resting on the chamber table, MC Hammer Mayor Needham politely explained that this is an issue for ECC and Highways to resolve.

The point was pressed further by Peter Kay:

“I have presumed that WTC is the principle body to push this.”

Ah - never presume.

A diplomatic game of hyperlocal political parking tag then took place. Little was resolved, but at least we now know that Highways have the final ruling over this one.

One by one as the County and Borough Cllr’s filed out, it was back to local matters and the business of what affairs our unelected (and UNPAID) Town Cllr’s can achieve.

Let’s start with Planning:

Confirmation came from Cllr Vaughan that the application to demolish, and then build a new property on the site of the St John’s Ambulance Building has been recommended for refusal by the CBC planning officers. The matter is now in the hands of the Planning Committee, which meets on Thursday.

Cllr Sinclair updated on the wet dock down at Cook’s:

“We are negotiating with Taylor Wimpey with regards electricity and water supplies. A compromise is hopefully being achieved.

There is concern that the wet dock is starting to silt up through lack of use. It is worth remembering that it wasn’t dredged from 1945 up until the current work.”

Finally residents at Cook’s have expressed concern that access to the pubic car park is clashing with the public footpaths.”

It is certainly worth a wander down there right now, what with the prestigious show home for Phase 3 now open to the public. The design map makes for telling viewing, even without the labeling of the land as flood plains. Ask the nice Taylor Wimpey PR person why the power points are positioned at waist height for some houses…

In totally unrelated matters - how is progress being made on the new Health Centre for Wivenhoe?

Um…?

Over to the normally mild-mannered Cllr Lodge:

“I am incredibly concerned that we have waited ten years for this now, and still we aren’t receiving any answers. Our MP Bernard Jenkin told us that the money was there - he now needs to explain himself. I am really disappointed in this matter.”

It was resolved that WTC would write a letter to both Bernard Jenkin MP and the PCT.

It’s all about value for money, y’see. Much like the Best Value Committee aka the *proper* WTC meeting that is CLOSED to the public… amongst certain chattering classes around the town, Comrades.

Mayor Needham updated:

“Residents have reported parking problems with regards the 07:45 - 08:45 parking window for residents only. It is thought that this is too narrow a timeframe. It doesn’t help residents and it doesn’t help commercial activity.”

Enquiries are being made to see if CBC can modify this parking period to two separate times during the day. The message of course is to give residents priority over commuters, and to help local traders.

Wivenhoe Woods Working Party sadly reported back with yet more damage done to a picnic bench. Cllr Sinclair confirmed:

“This has been partially demolished with a portable BBQ. Three of these have had to be replaced in the past eighteen months alone.”

The working party is now looking at an alternative solution.

The Diamond Jubilee Group continues to move forward with ways that the town can celebrate the extra Bank Holiday next month.

I heard the pubs will be open…

After an initial meeting, a range of ideas are in place. Mayor Needham added:

“We are considering a long Wivenhoe weekend. Street parties, a church celebration, a teddy bears picnic, athletics at the KGV and then the possibility of a concert and fireworks display later in the evening - all are on the proposed agenda.”

Cllr Needham also confirmed that with May Fair preceding the Jubilee weekend, there is the possibility of a “week long festival.”

Best get those parking problems resolved…

Mayoral activity since the last meeting is as impressive as it is inclusive:

“Re-opening the re-furbished Broomgrove pool, the Broomgrove fete, the University degree ceremony, the Colne Bank School of Dance Show [special high praise] the Regatta and many, many others.”

Splendid.

It is tradition that every WTC meeting then has a mad as a wet hen moment. The report from the good Town Clerk then delivered - although *not* from god Town Clerk you understand:

“We have had to replace one of the climbing nets at the KGV. Sadly this was vandalised and sawn through. The cost is £700.”

OUCH.

Ouch yet again, with the response from a Cllr, which I presume (NEVER presume, etc…) was light-hearted:

“If I had my way then I would flog them in the stocks.”

Cripes.

A lengthy ramble then followed on finances and funding. In short, we’re f-ed. Well, not quite, but funding that trickles down from CBC to all the parish and town councils is now in something of short supply.

You don’t say.

“Stormy waters are ahead” confirmed Mayor Needham. Maybe those stocks aren’t such a bad idea after all.

Sticking with the wonga and £1,775 has been spent by WTC on replacing the windows in the cemetery chapel. This is a high figure, but an incredibly sensitive and emotive issue. It illustrates perfectly the problem of how a rural Town Council has some very complicated financial decisions to make, without upsetting local thought.

Moving onto more positive matters and the Cllr Sinclair congratulated Wivenhoe Sailing Club on such a splendid Open Day last Saturday, as well as high praise for the Environment Agency and the successful opening up of the Flood Barrier to the public at the same time.

“We had over one hundred and fifty visitors to the Barrier on what was a very busy busy Wivenhoe weekend.”

Celebrated local filmmaker, @samking12345 was also name checked for superbly capturing the day with his unique talents.

And then completely missing the point of hyperlocal journalism - save the best till last, Jase:

It’s only the pre-debate about the public meeting called by WTC to discuss the “generous” offer made by Jenny Moody Properties of two acres of farmland in return for planning permission for the land by Millfield School.

Oh Lordy.

This was a meeting within a meeting itself. WTC has called a public meeting on 24th September, 2pm at the Loveless Hall [where else] to gauge the opinion of the residents.

Let’s hope that it is a revolting one.

JMP properties wants to build between “five to eight” private properties on the public land, which by a past political quirk of fate, is actually owned by Elmstead Parish Council. To appease the locals (and WTC) two acres of farmland have been offered up.

JMP is of the opinion that the residents of Wivenhoe are unaware of the full “generosity” that this offer presents. WTC is quite rightly calling a public meeting to reach a viewpoint.

Ah, but how best to stage-manage the meeting, Comrades?

There is the danger that the Loveless Hall could become an open shop for any ranting, revolting resident of Wivenhoe that is unhappy about not having their bins collected on time.

Mayor Needham runs a tight ship.

Plans were discussed to set up the chairs, have a radio mic, flog any locals that plots a course away from the main viewpoint.

Only joking.

The purpose of the meeting is VERY important: to see if JMP of Malden has the public endorsement to build private property in Wivenhoe. WTC wants a simple YES or No come the end of the meeting, and then the matter *should* be resolved.

Cllr Kraft pre-empted some of the questions that might come from the public on Saturday afternoon:

“What answer can we give if we are asked what use WTC would make of the two acres, if we were to accept the offer?”

Mayor Needham offered up:

“We can’t be definitive. Recreation use? Allotments?”

It was the type of PR preparation that the Prime Minister takes on a weekly basis ahead of PMQ’s.

A map was then passed around the chamber table, lifted from cough* a certain hyperlocal online forum, showing what is believed to be the farmland that is so generously up for offer.

I was surprised to learn that WTC hasn’t had official confirmation where the farmland actually is. The [very fine] map is only educated guesswork.

Elmstead Parish Council has been invited to send representation to the meeting. WTC then discussed the best way to event manage this situation - is the EPC representation overt or covert? Do we formally introduce them to the revolting public of Wivenhoe?

Best keep those stocks handy.

Jenny Moody Properties have also been invited, but this offer has been declined. It was suggested that a plant might be sent to the public meeting anyway.

It was confirmed that ex-WTC Cllr Cyril Liddy has now collected over one hundred and fifty signatures on his petition to grant the land by Millfield as official village green status.

This is incredibly worthy work, although WTC expressed concern that this is a slight sidetrack to the purpose of the public meeting, namely: should WTC accept the “generous” offer of the farmland as a pay-off for private housing?

Mr Mayor then made the point that the public meeting shouldn’t get deflected. This isn’t a platform for Valley Road Taylor Wimpey issues, finances, or public floggings.

It has to be said that this is genuine hyperlcoal democracy in action. A private developer is trying to get in the pocket of Elmstead Parish Council, with Wivenhoe Town Council becoming implicated in the deal. The revolting residents will have the final say.

Which of course is the way it should be.

Oh - and FINALY FINALLY - 22nd October is the date for the Mayor’s Tramp Ball at the Loveless hall [where else?]

Come as you are.